The Art of Not Losing Your Mind: Why Equanimity is Your Secret Weapon
Last Tuesday, I watched a client have what I can only describe as a breakthrough moment.
She'd been telling me about her morning, i.e., how her coffee maker broke, her teen ignored three wake-up calls, and her dog decided the living room carpet was the perfect bathroom. By the time she got to work, she was already mentally writing her resignation letter thinking “I just can’t handle all of this”.
"But then," she said, "I remembered what we talked about. I just... stopped fighting it all. I gathered my scattered mind, I decided to let everything be exactly as it is. And suddenly I could breathe again."
This is what happens when we learn to work with our reality instead of against it. This is the power of equanimity, though I promise it's way more practical (and less mystical) than it sounds.
Here's the thing: most of us are walking around in a constant state of low-level (sometimes high-level) struggle with our own lives.
The Exhausting War We Fight Every Day
Think about yesterday. How many times did you find yourself mentally arguing with reality? The traffic was too slow, your coworker was too loud, your brain was too anxious, your energy was too low. We spend enormous amounts of mental energy on this internal commentary of "it shouldn't be this way."
I call this the "Shoulds and Shouldn'ts Show" – that constant stream of judgment about how things ought to be different. Your anxious part insists you shouldn't feel worried about that presentation. Your perfectionist part declares the house shouldn't be this messy. Your people-pleasing part believes your family shouldn't need so much from you.
Sound familiar? This is what I see in my therapy practice every single day. Brilliant, capable people who are absolutely exhausted from fighting with their own experience.
Enter: The Game-Changer Called Equanimity
So what if there was a different way? What if instead of constantly fighting with what's happening, we could learn to dance with it instead? To work wisely with it.
That's exactly what equanimity offers us. But this isn't about becoming a zen monk or a seasoned meditator who smiles serenely while chaos erupts around them.
Equanimity is much more practical than that. Think of it as developing a different relationship with difficulty. Instead of immediately jumping into battle mode when something uncomfortable shows up, we learn to pause and get curious. We learn to take a closer look at what’s coming up inside, in response to what’s going on externally.
The Beautiful Exhaustion of Fighting Reality
I see this all the time in my practice. Clients come in carrying the weight of fighting against their anxiety, their depression, their circumstances, their family dynamics and anything that isn't going according to their perfectly reasonable plan for how life should be.
It’s pretty common for clients with teenage daughters to think they the daughters "shouldn't" be going through this rebellious phase right now because they've "always been close." Our mind exhaust themselves by trying to control and fix something that is actually completely normal developmental behaviour.
The fight isn’t fighting with their daughters. When we take a closer look, it’s with reality itself.
What Allowing Actually Looks Like
Here's where people get confused about equanimity. They think it means becoming a doormat or giving up on caring about anything. Like, "Oh well, I guess I'll just accept that my life is falling apart and do nothing about it."
That's not it at all.
Equanimity is about accepting what's already happened; this moment, right now, exactly as it is. Because here's the thing: the present moment is already a done deal. Your anxiety about that work presentation? It's here. Your frustration with your partner leaving dishes in the sink (again)? It's here. Your grief, your joy, your boredom, your disappointment, your excitement… all of it is already here.
We can't think our way out of what's already happening. But we can change how we relate to it.
This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) work becomes incredibly helpful. When I'm teaching clients about equanimity, we often start by noticing all the different parts of us that have opinions about what's happening. There's the Anxious Part that's convinced the presentation will be a disaster, the Frustrated Part that's keeping score of household chores, the People-Pleasing Part that thinks we should be handling everything perfectly.
All these parts are trying to help, but they're often pulling us away from our Wise Adult Self – that centered place that can actually respond wisely rather than react habitually. When we can acknowledge these parts with curiosity instead of fighting them, something magical happens. "Oh, there's my Catastrophic Thinking Part getting worked up again. Thanks for trying to keep me safe, but can you please step back as I've got this."
From that Wise Adult Self place, equanimity becomes much more accessible.
When clients, and myself included, finally stopped fighting against our daughters’ behaviour and started getting curious about it instead, something shifted. We work together to identify the different parts of us that get activated – our Protective Parent Part, Controlling Part, the Part That Just Wants Everyone to Be Happy.
Once we could acknowledge these parts with compassion ("Of course you're worried – you love your daughter"), the Wise Adult Self has room to breathe. We could actually see what was happening without the filter of "this is wrong and needs to be fixed immediately." From that place of acceptance, we can find responses that actually work, not because we'd stopped caring, but because we’d stopped panicking.
The Superpower of Staying Put
The really beautiful thing about developing equanimity is that it makes you more available to yourself, to the people you love, to whatever situation needs your attention.
Instead of spending all your energy pushing against discomfort, you can actually be present with it. You can sit with someone else's pain without immediately trying to fix it or escape from it. You can have difficult conversations without your nervous system going into full red-alert mode.
I notice this in my own life constantly. When my husband is stressed about something, my old pattern was to immediately jump into problem-solving mode. Now I can recognize that my Fix-It Part is activated, appreciate that it's trying to help, and choose to respond from my Wise Adult Self instead. I can feel that urge arise, take a breath, and just... stay there with them. Not trying to change anything, just being present.
It turns out that's usually what people need anyway.
The Daily Practice of Not Freaking Out
Building equanimity isn't about achieving a permanent state of Zen master calm. It's more like going to the gym where you show up regularly and practice staying present with whatever arises, comfortable anduncomfortable.
My mindfulness teacher friends and I have this running joke. Whenever we find ourselves in a triggering situation (or as we say for those who get triggered by the word "trigger" – an "activating situation"), we text each other: "OTP!"
Opportunity To Practice.
Your teenager just told you they hate you? OTP. Your boss just dumped a last-minute project on your desk at 4:45 PM? OTP. You're stuck in traffic and late for something important? Major OTP.
It sounds almost obnoxiously cheerful, I know. But here's what we're actually practicing in these moments: noticing clearly what's coming up internally and externally. What parts are getting activated? What stories are we telling ourselves? What's happening in our bodies? And then – can we find our way back to some mental balance and composure in the middle of it all?
This is where the IFS framework becomes incredibly practical. Instead of judging ourselves for having difficult reactions, we can get curious about which parts are showing up and what they need. The part that's furious about the slow grocery line might actually be the part that's been carrying too much responsibility and is just exhausted. The part that can't stop worrying about your teenager might be the part that remembers being hurt at that age and is trying to prevent history from repeating.
Every time you notice yourself in that familiar spiral of "this shouldn't be happening" and pause instead of fighting, you're strengthening that equanimity muscle. Every time you can recognize which part of you is activated ("Oh hello, Anxious Part, I see you're convinced the world is ending") and choose to respond from your Wise Adult Self instead, you're training yourself to be more available to your actual life.
Because here's the real goal: we do all this practice so we can respond as skillfully as possible, more of the time. Instead of just reacting habitually and reflexively on autopilot, we're creating space for choice. We're building the capacity to show up as the person we actually want to be, even when life gets messy.
It's honestly the most practical thing I know. Because life is going to keep throwing you curveballs. Teenagers will keep being teenagers, partners will keep leaving dishes in the sink, and grocery store lines will continue to move at the speed of a turtle.
But you don't have to exhaust yourself fighting against it all.
You can learn to surf instead.
______________________________________________________________
If you're curious about developing more equanimity in your own life, I'd love to explore this with you. Sometimes we need a little support to learn how to stop fighting with reality – and that's exactly what therapy can offer.
She'd been telling me about her morning, i.e., how her coffee maker broke, her teen ignored three wake-up calls, and her dog decided the living room carpet was the perfect bathroom. By the time she got to work, she was already mentally writing her resignation letter thinking “I just can’t handle all of this”.
"But then," she said, "I remembered what we talked about. I just... stopped fighting it all. I gathered my scattered mind, I decided to let everything be exactly as it is. And suddenly I could breathe again."
This is what happens when we learn to work with our reality instead of against it. This is the power of equanimity, though I promise it's way more practical (and less mystical) than it sounds.
Here's the thing: most of us are walking around in a constant state of low-level (sometimes high-level) struggle with our own lives.
The Exhausting War We Fight Every Day
Think about yesterday. How many times did you find yourself mentally arguing with reality? The traffic was too slow, your coworker was too loud, your brain was too anxious, your energy was too low. We spend enormous amounts of mental energy on this internal commentary of "it shouldn't be this way."
I call this the "Shoulds and Shouldn'ts Show" – that constant stream of judgment about how things ought to be different. Your anxious part insists you shouldn't feel worried about that presentation. Your perfectionist part declares the house shouldn't be this messy. Your people-pleasing part believes your family shouldn't need so much from you.
Sound familiar? This is what I see in my therapy practice every single day. Brilliant, capable people who are absolutely exhausted from fighting with their own experience.
Enter: The Game-Changer Called Equanimity
So what if there was a different way? What if instead of constantly fighting with what's happening, we could learn to dance with it instead? To work wisely with it.
That's exactly what equanimity offers us. But this isn't about becoming a zen monk or a seasoned meditator who smiles serenely while chaos erupts around them.
Equanimity is much more practical than that. Think of it as developing a different relationship with difficulty. Instead of immediately jumping into battle mode when something uncomfortable shows up, we learn to pause and get curious. We learn to take a closer look at what’s coming up inside, in response to what’s going on externally.
The Beautiful Exhaustion of Fighting Reality
I see this all the time in my practice. Clients come in carrying the weight of fighting against their anxiety, their depression, their circumstances, their family dynamics and anything that isn't going according to their perfectly reasonable plan for how life should be.
It’s pretty common for clients with teenage daughters to think they the daughters "shouldn't" be going through this rebellious phase right now because they've "always been close." Our mind exhaust themselves by trying to control and fix something that is actually completely normal developmental behaviour.
The fight isn’t fighting with their daughters. When we take a closer look, it’s with reality itself.
What Allowing Actually Looks Like
Here's where people get confused about equanimity. They think it means becoming a doormat or giving up on caring about anything. Like, "Oh well, I guess I'll just accept that my life is falling apart and do nothing about it."
That's not it at all.
Equanimity is about accepting what's already happened; this moment, right now, exactly as it is. Because here's the thing: the present moment is already a done deal. Your anxiety about that work presentation? It's here. Your frustration with your partner leaving dishes in the sink (again)? It's here. Your grief, your joy, your boredom, your disappointment, your excitement… all of it is already here.
We can't think our way out of what's already happening. But we can change how we relate to it.
This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) work becomes incredibly helpful. When I'm teaching clients about equanimity, we often start by noticing all the different parts of us that have opinions about what's happening. There's the Anxious Part that's convinced the presentation will be a disaster, the Frustrated Part that's keeping score of household chores, the People-Pleasing Part that thinks we should be handling everything perfectly.
All these parts are trying to help, but they're often pulling us away from our Wise Adult Self – that centered place that can actually respond wisely rather than react habitually. When we can acknowledge these parts with curiosity instead of fighting them, something magical happens. "Oh, there's my Catastrophic Thinking Part getting worked up again. Thanks for trying to keep me safe, but can you please step back as I've got this."
From that Wise Adult Self place, equanimity becomes much more accessible.
When clients, and myself included, finally stopped fighting against our daughters’ behaviour and started getting curious about it instead, something shifted. We work together to identify the different parts of us that get activated – our Protective Parent Part, Controlling Part, the Part That Just Wants Everyone to Be Happy.
Once we could acknowledge these parts with compassion ("Of course you're worried – you love your daughter"), the Wise Adult Self has room to breathe. We could actually see what was happening without the filter of "this is wrong and needs to be fixed immediately." From that place of acceptance, we can find responses that actually work, not because we'd stopped caring, but because we’d stopped panicking.
The Superpower of Staying Put
The really beautiful thing about developing equanimity is that it makes you more available to yourself, to the people you love, to whatever situation needs your attention.
Instead of spending all your energy pushing against discomfort, you can actually be present with it. You can sit with someone else's pain without immediately trying to fix it or escape from it. You can have difficult conversations without your nervous system going into full red-alert mode.
I notice this in my own life constantly. When my husband is stressed about something, my old pattern was to immediately jump into problem-solving mode. Now I can recognize that my Fix-It Part is activated, appreciate that it's trying to help, and choose to respond from my Wise Adult Self instead. I can feel that urge arise, take a breath, and just... stay there with them. Not trying to change anything, just being present.
It turns out that's usually what people need anyway.
The Daily Practice of Not Freaking Out
Building equanimity isn't about achieving a permanent state of Zen master calm. It's more like going to the gym where you show up regularly and practice staying present with whatever arises, comfortable anduncomfortable.
My mindfulness teacher friends and I have this running joke. Whenever we find ourselves in a triggering situation (or as we say for those who get triggered by the word "trigger" – an "activating situation"), we text each other: "OTP!"
Opportunity To Practice.
Your teenager just told you they hate you? OTP. Your boss just dumped a last-minute project on your desk at 4:45 PM? OTP. You're stuck in traffic and late for something important? Major OTP.
It sounds almost obnoxiously cheerful, I know. But here's what we're actually practicing in these moments: noticing clearly what's coming up internally and externally. What parts are getting activated? What stories are we telling ourselves? What's happening in our bodies? And then – can we find our way back to some mental balance and composure in the middle of it all?
This is where the IFS framework becomes incredibly practical. Instead of judging ourselves for having difficult reactions, we can get curious about which parts are showing up and what they need. The part that's furious about the slow grocery line might actually be the part that's been carrying too much responsibility and is just exhausted. The part that can't stop worrying about your teenager might be the part that remembers being hurt at that age and is trying to prevent history from repeating.
Every time you notice yourself in that familiar spiral of "this shouldn't be happening" and pause instead of fighting, you're strengthening that equanimity muscle. Every time you can recognize which part of you is activated ("Oh hello, Anxious Part, I see you're convinced the world is ending") and choose to respond from your Wise Adult Self instead, you're training yourself to be more available to your actual life.
Because here's the real goal: we do all this practice so we can respond as skillfully as possible, more of the time. Instead of just reacting habitually and reflexively on autopilot, we're creating space for choice. We're building the capacity to show up as the person we actually want to be, even when life gets messy.
It's honestly the most practical thing I know. Because life is going to keep throwing you curveballs. Teenagers will keep being teenagers, partners will keep leaving dishes in the sink, and grocery store lines will continue to move at the speed of a turtle.
But you don't have to exhaust yourself fighting against it all.
You can learn to surf instead.
______________________________________________________________
If you're curious about developing more equanimity in your own life, I'd love to explore this with you. Sometimes we need a little support to learn how to stop fighting with reality – and that's exactly what therapy can offer.