Tame Your Worries with Mindfulness & IFS
Why 85% of Your Worries Are Just Your Mind’s Overactive Imagination — and How to Find Peace with Mindfulness and Your Wise Adult Self
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m a therapist, but I’m also human, which means I sometimes get tangled up in the sticky web of worry thoughts and feelings just like you do. Picture me fretting over whether I said the wrong thing in a session or spiraling about whether my teen is going to be okay navigating her new college program. Sound familiar but on a different topic? Maybe for you, it’s that nagging fear you’ll blank during a big Zoom presentation or that your friend’s one-word text or use of a period in their text means they’re secretly upset. Our minds are gold-medal catastrophizers, spinning “what ifs” as easy as can be. But here’s the good news: Research shows that only about 85% of the things we worry about *never* happen. And the ones that do? We usually handle them much better than our worried minds would predict.
The even better news? We can’t control which thoughts pop into our heads, but once we’re mindfully aware that we’re being bombarded by hypothetical worries, we have a conscious choice. That’s when we can lean on tools, practices, and strategies that really work. Many people default to using distraction to get rid of the worry thoughts (which can help in a pinch) but the truth is that distraction doesn’t address the worries head-on. Distraction basically doesn’t get to the root of the problem. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a leaky pipe. It’ll hold it for a bit, but the drip’s still there. By using mindfulness and Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can manage those challenging moments, shift our mood (physically and emotionally), and manage and take back the reins from worry. Let’s explore how to do just that, with a warm, relatable approach and a sprinkle of humour to keep it light.
The Worry Trap: Why Our Minds Love to Catastrophize
You might’ve heard that our brains are wired for survival, not happiness. Back in the day, worrying about a rustling bush (lion? snake?) kept us alive. Today, that same hyper-vigilant part of our brain freaks out over a “we need to talk” email from our boss or a low Wi-Fi connection right before a big meeting. It’s like having an over-sensitive car alarm system that gets set off by the wind. A 2016 study in *Behaviour Research and Therapy* found that 85% of our worries don’t come true, and for the 15% that do, we often overestimate their impact, overestimate the likelihood that something bad or negative is going to happen and / or underestimate our resilience and ability to face it. So why do we keep falling into the worry trap? Because it feels like we’re *doing* something productive, when really, we’re just stuck in a negative feedback loop.
Here’s where mindfulness and IFS come in. These practices help us notice when we’re caught in worry’s grip, give us the power to choose how to respond, and guide us back to our Wise Adult Self — the calm, grounded part of us that’s infused with wisdom, clarity and peace. As someone who’s used these tools to untangle my own worries, I can tell you: They work. Let’s break it down.
Mindfulness: The Power of Intentionally Choosing the Present
Mindfulness is like a mental pause button that helps us catch our worried thoughts about an imagined future event before they snowball. We can’t stop random “what ifs” from popping up, our brains are automatic and conditioned for that. But once we’re aware we’re being bombarded by hypothetical worries, we can choose to shift gears, i.e., shift and regulate our attention. Mindfulness invites us to come back to the present moment, where we can focus on facts that are real in the here and now, not the scary stories our minds concoct. It's like coming back to "direct experience" versus being in some type of imagined scene in the future.
For example, say you’re stressing because your friend sent a “K” or a thumbs up in response to your text. Your brain might spin up a whole story about how they’re mad at you. Pause and ask, *“What do I know for sure?”* The fact is, they sent a one-letter or emoji reply. That’s it. The story about them being upset? That’s your mind’s narrative or ‘storyline’, not reality. By anchoring in the present and sticking to the facts, you create space to breathe and respond intentionally instead of letting worry run the show.
Here’s a mindfulness exercise to help you reclaim that choice:
1. Find Your Anchor: Sit comfortably and take a few slow mindful breaths. Notice and feel the sensations of air moving in and out of your nose. Feel the weight of your body against the chair and sensations of your hands in your lap or resting where they are. This is your tether to *now*.
2. Name What’s Here (5-4-3-2-1): Without judgment, name five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. This pulls you out of worry’s time machine and brings your attention fully back to the present moment.
3. Release Tension: Worry loves to camp out in your body…tight shoulders, clenched jaw, furrowed brow, tightness in the chest. Scan for tension, bring mindful attention there and invite those areas to “soften” on an exhale. Imagine breathing a kind attention into them.
4. Stick to the Facts: Ask, *“What do I know for sure?”* Let go of the hypotheticals and rest in what’s true and real right now in “direct experience”.
This practice doesn’t erase worries but it gives you the awareness and skills to choose how to handle them. Instead of letting worried thoughts manage your mood, which leave you drained, tense, or irritable, you can manage them. It’s like switching from being a passenger in worry’s runaway car to taking the wheel.
Internal Family Systems: Befriending Your Worried Parts
Now, let’s bring in Internal Family Systems (IFS), which sees our psyche as an internal family of “parts” with a Wise Adult Self at the core. Those worried thoughts? They come from parts of you trying to protect you. Maybe there’s an Anxious part that’s panicking about a work deadline, or an Inner Self-Critic part that’s harsh because it thinks it’s keeping you from failure or rejection. These parts have good intentions, but when they take over (or “blend with Wise Self”), they can make you feel like a nervous wreck.
IFS teaches us to listen to these parts with curiosity and compassion, then guide them back to more helpful roles so our Wise Self can lead. Think about it, every organization and system need a leader. The Wise Adult Self, a.k.a. your capital-S Self, is your inner compass, radiating the 8 C’s: calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. It’s the part of you that stays steady, even when your Anxious part is yelling, *“We’re doomed! I know it.”* I’ve used IFS myself when I’m stressing about, say, whether I’m balancing work, family and self-care well enough or running my business properly. By connecting with my Wise Adult Self, I can calm those worried parts, integrate them and find clarity. It’s not magic, but it’s pretty close.
Here’s how to use IFS when worry strikes, like when you’re freaking out about bombing a virtual presentation:
1. Acknowledge the Worried Part: Close your eyes and picture this part. Is it a jittery kid? A stressed-out manager? Is it flailing its arms? Hiding under the blankets? Notice where you feel it in or your body, maybe a racing heart, tightness in the chest or throat. Ask it what are its positive intentions? What is its main role/job in your system?
2. Ask with Curiosity: From your Wise Adult Self, ask, “What are you scared of? What are your thoughts and feelings? What do you know? What do you need from me?” Listen without judgment. Maybe this part fears looking stupid, foolish, getting rejected, being a burden or losing respect.
3. Show Compassion and Express Appreciation: Acknowledge and thank it for its efforts to protect you even though it’s efforts may backfire or have self-defeating effects on the way it’s trying to protect you. Say, “I see you’re worried, and I appreciate you trying to keep me safe, alert me or protect me”. Picture or think about sending that part your reassurance “I’m here now. You can take a break / soften back your energy / take a step aside just for now”. Notice how it responds or feels to receive that. It’s okay if it’s hesitant or skeptical. Don’t judge, just be curious.
4. Let the Wise Adult Self Take the Lead: Ask the part if it’s okay to step back. Ask it does it need anything from you to be willing to do so. Reassure that part and picture it stepping back or taking a seat in a safe place in your mind and let your Wise Adult Self take over. Picture your Wise Self — calm, confident, compassionate, clear — stepping in to guide your system.
5. Check In: See how the part feels now. Often, it relaxes when it knows it’s been heard and appreciated for what it’s trying to do.
This process helps you unblend from your worried parts, so you’re not taken over or consumed by their fear. Instead, you’re relating to them from a place of calm and care. It’s like being the wise, loving leader of your system, reassuring your parts (who are often younger) that you’ve got this.
The 8 C’s: Your Inner Superpowers
The 8 C’s of the Wise Self are like your inner superpower toolkit. When worry clouds your mind, these qualities remind you who you really are:
- Calm: The peace that steadies you in a storm.
- Clarity: The ability to see reality clearly, not through worry’s distorted lens.
- Curiosity: The openness to explore your thoughts without judgment.
- Compassion: The kindness you offer yourself and others, even when things feel messy.
- Confidence: The trust that you’re capable of handling challenges.
- Courage: The bravery to face uncertainty head-on.
- Creativity: The spark to find new ways to navigate life’s curveballs.
- Connectedness: The sense of being part of something bigger like your community, nature, or your own inner wisdom.
When I’m caught in worry, like stressing over a client’s progress, I ask, “Which C quality do I need right now?” Maybe it’s compassion for myself or courage to trust the process. You can do the same. Call on these qualities, and your Wise Self will step up to lead.
Why Addressing Worry Head-On Matters
Distraction strategies like binge-watching Netflex or doom scrolling, can push worries aside for a bit, but it’s a temporary fix. It doesn’t give you the chance to face those thoughts, understand them, or manage them effectively. Unaddressed worries can linger, negatively affecting your mood, tightening your shoulders, or making you feel irritable. By using mindfulness and IFS, you tackle the root of the problem. You’re not just avoiding worry, you’re getting acquainted with it, learning to coexist with it (maybe even befriend it) respond to it, and letting it pass.
Coming back to the present is key because worry lives in the future, where everything’s uncertain. The present is where you have power to act, to choose, to breathe. It’s also where your Wise Adult Self hangs out, ready to remind you that you’re okay. Focusing on what you know for sure strips worry of its tendency to create drama. If you’re anxious about a job interview, your mind might think, “What if I bomb it?” But in the present, what’s true? You’ve prepared, you’re showing up, and you’re doing your best. That’s enough.
You’re Stronger Than Your Worries
I can tell you these tools — mindfulness, IFS, and a bit of humour — really do work, at least on a good day. We can’t stop worried thoughts from showing up, but we can choose what to do when they show up. By noticing them with mindfulness, addressing them with IFS, and leaning on our Wise Adult Self’s 8 C’s, we can manage those thoughts instead of letting them manage us. And knowing that 85% of our worries are just our brain’s overactive imagination? That’s a reminder to let go of the mental clutter and make space for peace.
So, the next time worry tries to take over, pause, breathe, and come back to the present. Connect with your Wise Adult Self — that calm, clear, compassionate part of you that’s always there. You’ve got the skills to handle this, and you’re not alone. Your worries don’t get to call the shots — you do.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m a therapist, but I’m also human, which means I sometimes get tangled up in the sticky web of worry thoughts and feelings just like you do. Picture me fretting over whether I said the wrong thing in a session or spiraling about whether my teen is going to be okay navigating her new college program. Sound familiar but on a different topic? Maybe for you, it’s that nagging fear you’ll blank during a big Zoom presentation or that your friend’s one-word text or use of a period in their text means they’re secretly upset. Our minds are gold-medal catastrophizers, spinning “what ifs” as easy as can be. But here’s the good news: Research shows that only about 85% of the things we worry about *never* happen. And the ones that do? We usually handle them much better than our worried minds would predict.
The even better news? We can’t control which thoughts pop into our heads, but once we’re mindfully aware that we’re being bombarded by hypothetical worries, we have a conscious choice. That’s when we can lean on tools, practices, and strategies that really work. Many people default to using distraction to get rid of the worry thoughts (which can help in a pinch) but the truth is that distraction doesn’t address the worries head-on. Distraction basically doesn’t get to the root of the problem. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a leaky pipe. It’ll hold it for a bit, but the drip’s still there. By using mindfulness and Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can manage those challenging moments, shift our mood (physically and emotionally), and manage and take back the reins from worry. Let’s explore how to do just that, with a warm, relatable approach and a sprinkle of humour to keep it light.
The Worry Trap: Why Our Minds Love to Catastrophize
You might’ve heard that our brains are wired for survival, not happiness. Back in the day, worrying about a rustling bush (lion? snake?) kept us alive. Today, that same hyper-vigilant part of our brain freaks out over a “we need to talk” email from our boss or a low Wi-Fi connection right before a big meeting. It’s like having an over-sensitive car alarm system that gets set off by the wind. A 2016 study in *Behaviour Research and Therapy* found that 85% of our worries don’t come true, and for the 15% that do, we often overestimate their impact, overestimate the likelihood that something bad or negative is going to happen and / or underestimate our resilience and ability to face it. So why do we keep falling into the worry trap? Because it feels like we’re *doing* something productive, when really, we’re just stuck in a negative feedback loop.
Here’s where mindfulness and IFS come in. These practices help us notice when we’re caught in worry’s grip, give us the power to choose how to respond, and guide us back to our Wise Adult Self — the calm, grounded part of us that’s infused with wisdom, clarity and peace. As someone who’s used these tools to untangle my own worries, I can tell you: They work. Let’s break it down.
Mindfulness: The Power of Intentionally Choosing the Present
Mindfulness is like a mental pause button that helps us catch our worried thoughts about an imagined future event before they snowball. We can’t stop random “what ifs” from popping up, our brains are automatic and conditioned for that. But once we’re aware we’re being bombarded by hypothetical worries, we can choose to shift gears, i.e., shift and regulate our attention. Mindfulness invites us to come back to the present moment, where we can focus on facts that are real in the here and now, not the scary stories our minds concoct. It's like coming back to "direct experience" versus being in some type of imagined scene in the future.
For example, say you’re stressing because your friend sent a “K” or a thumbs up in response to your text. Your brain might spin up a whole story about how they’re mad at you. Pause and ask, *“What do I know for sure?”* The fact is, they sent a one-letter or emoji reply. That’s it. The story about them being upset? That’s your mind’s narrative or ‘storyline’, not reality. By anchoring in the present and sticking to the facts, you create space to breathe and respond intentionally instead of letting worry run the show.
Here’s a mindfulness exercise to help you reclaim that choice:
1. Find Your Anchor: Sit comfortably and take a few slow mindful breaths. Notice and feel the sensations of air moving in and out of your nose. Feel the weight of your body against the chair and sensations of your hands in your lap or resting where they are. This is your tether to *now*.
2. Name What’s Here (5-4-3-2-1): Without judgment, name five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. This pulls you out of worry’s time machine and brings your attention fully back to the present moment.
3. Release Tension: Worry loves to camp out in your body…tight shoulders, clenched jaw, furrowed brow, tightness in the chest. Scan for tension, bring mindful attention there and invite those areas to “soften” on an exhale. Imagine breathing a kind attention into them.
4. Stick to the Facts: Ask, *“What do I know for sure?”* Let go of the hypotheticals and rest in what’s true and real right now in “direct experience”.
This practice doesn’t erase worries but it gives you the awareness and skills to choose how to handle them. Instead of letting worried thoughts manage your mood, which leave you drained, tense, or irritable, you can manage them. It’s like switching from being a passenger in worry’s runaway car to taking the wheel.
Internal Family Systems: Befriending Your Worried Parts
Now, let’s bring in Internal Family Systems (IFS), which sees our psyche as an internal family of “parts” with a Wise Adult Self at the core. Those worried thoughts? They come from parts of you trying to protect you. Maybe there’s an Anxious part that’s panicking about a work deadline, or an Inner Self-Critic part that’s harsh because it thinks it’s keeping you from failure or rejection. These parts have good intentions, but when they take over (or “blend with Wise Self”), they can make you feel like a nervous wreck.
IFS teaches us to listen to these parts with curiosity and compassion, then guide them back to more helpful roles so our Wise Self can lead. Think about it, every organization and system need a leader. The Wise Adult Self, a.k.a. your capital-S Self, is your inner compass, radiating the 8 C’s: calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. It’s the part of you that stays steady, even when your Anxious part is yelling, *“We’re doomed! I know it.”* I’ve used IFS myself when I’m stressing about, say, whether I’m balancing work, family and self-care well enough or running my business properly. By connecting with my Wise Adult Self, I can calm those worried parts, integrate them and find clarity. It’s not magic, but it’s pretty close.
Here’s how to use IFS when worry strikes, like when you’re freaking out about bombing a virtual presentation:
1. Acknowledge the Worried Part: Close your eyes and picture this part. Is it a jittery kid? A stressed-out manager? Is it flailing its arms? Hiding under the blankets? Notice where you feel it in or your body, maybe a racing heart, tightness in the chest or throat. Ask it what are its positive intentions? What is its main role/job in your system?
2. Ask with Curiosity: From your Wise Adult Self, ask, “What are you scared of? What are your thoughts and feelings? What do you know? What do you need from me?” Listen without judgment. Maybe this part fears looking stupid, foolish, getting rejected, being a burden or losing respect.
3. Show Compassion and Express Appreciation: Acknowledge and thank it for its efforts to protect you even though it’s efforts may backfire or have self-defeating effects on the way it’s trying to protect you. Say, “I see you’re worried, and I appreciate you trying to keep me safe, alert me or protect me”. Picture or think about sending that part your reassurance “I’m here now. You can take a break / soften back your energy / take a step aside just for now”. Notice how it responds or feels to receive that. It’s okay if it’s hesitant or skeptical. Don’t judge, just be curious.
4. Let the Wise Adult Self Take the Lead: Ask the part if it’s okay to step back. Ask it does it need anything from you to be willing to do so. Reassure that part and picture it stepping back or taking a seat in a safe place in your mind and let your Wise Adult Self take over. Picture your Wise Self — calm, confident, compassionate, clear — stepping in to guide your system.
5. Check In: See how the part feels now. Often, it relaxes when it knows it’s been heard and appreciated for what it’s trying to do.
This process helps you unblend from your worried parts, so you’re not taken over or consumed by their fear. Instead, you’re relating to them from a place of calm and care. It’s like being the wise, loving leader of your system, reassuring your parts (who are often younger) that you’ve got this.
The 8 C’s: Your Inner Superpowers
The 8 C’s of the Wise Self are like your inner superpower toolkit. When worry clouds your mind, these qualities remind you who you really are:
- Calm: The peace that steadies you in a storm.
- Clarity: The ability to see reality clearly, not through worry’s distorted lens.
- Curiosity: The openness to explore your thoughts without judgment.
- Compassion: The kindness you offer yourself and others, even when things feel messy.
- Confidence: The trust that you’re capable of handling challenges.
- Courage: The bravery to face uncertainty head-on.
- Creativity: The spark to find new ways to navigate life’s curveballs.
- Connectedness: The sense of being part of something bigger like your community, nature, or your own inner wisdom.
When I’m caught in worry, like stressing over a client’s progress, I ask, “Which C quality do I need right now?” Maybe it’s compassion for myself or courage to trust the process. You can do the same. Call on these qualities, and your Wise Self will step up to lead.
Why Addressing Worry Head-On Matters
Distraction strategies like binge-watching Netflex or doom scrolling, can push worries aside for a bit, but it’s a temporary fix. It doesn’t give you the chance to face those thoughts, understand them, or manage them effectively. Unaddressed worries can linger, negatively affecting your mood, tightening your shoulders, or making you feel irritable. By using mindfulness and IFS, you tackle the root of the problem. You’re not just avoiding worry, you’re getting acquainted with it, learning to coexist with it (maybe even befriend it) respond to it, and letting it pass.
Coming back to the present is key because worry lives in the future, where everything’s uncertain. The present is where you have power to act, to choose, to breathe. It’s also where your Wise Adult Self hangs out, ready to remind you that you’re okay. Focusing on what you know for sure strips worry of its tendency to create drama. If you’re anxious about a job interview, your mind might think, “What if I bomb it?” But in the present, what’s true? You’ve prepared, you’re showing up, and you’re doing your best. That’s enough.
You’re Stronger Than Your Worries
I can tell you these tools — mindfulness, IFS, and a bit of humour — really do work, at least on a good day. We can’t stop worried thoughts from showing up, but we can choose what to do when they show up. By noticing them with mindfulness, addressing them with IFS, and leaning on our Wise Adult Self’s 8 C’s, we can manage those thoughts instead of letting them manage us. And knowing that 85% of our worries are just our brain’s overactive imagination? That’s a reminder to let go of the mental clutter and make space for peace.
So, the next time worry tries to take over, pause, breathe, and come back to the present. Connect with your Wise Adult Self — that calm, clear, compassionate part of you that’s always there. You’ve got the skills to handle this, and you’re not alone. Your worries don’t get to call the shots — you do.